Because few people know drink orders quite like Matt Linklater.
I’m perpetually envious of anyone who’s settled on ‘their signature drink’ – that special order that only they know the true power of, and how tasty it really is. Like a well-guarded secret, they knowingly whisper it to the bartender with a wink and a raise of the eyebrow, safe in the comfort that their drink will be the most delicious one delivered not only that day or that week, but also maybe even that year.
As a self-aware fence sitter who, throughout a night, can be seen flip-flopping from a glass of red to a Hard Rated to a Gibson (not necessarily in that order), I will always be jealous of those who have settled on ‘their signature drink’. It seems these people have life worked out – I’m picturing well-structured bank accounts, meal planning, even Gmail inboxes under 1000 (seemingly impossible). But can we deduce even more from our one-drink ordering friends? Let’s find out.
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1. The person who orders sparkling water
You live in a world of optimism and aspiration. Why settle for still when you can choose life? Sparkling water breathes energy into the most mundane of events, as do you, and while we once needed a miracle to turn water into wine, all you need is a SodaStream for your drink of choice. The sparkling water drinker loves a chat, loves an event, and loves add-ons.
Try: Capi Mineral Water, S. Pellegrino.
2. The person who orders Australian lager
You thrive on removing obstacles from systems, both in your professional and personal life. Why complicate things when Australian lager is there? You’ve seen it all, and tasted it all, so you know what you’re missing and you’re okay with that. Note: The Australian lager drinker is a feeder market to the mid-strength Australian lager drinker, which is a feeder to the non-alc Australian lager drinker.
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Click image to shop
3. The person who orders NZ sauvignon blanc
A lover of tropical fruit all year round, you’re not constrained by anything as trivial as a season or the weather. You’re the life of the party, wearer of colour and appreciator of spice (in all forms). You believe that all people should be able to live life as they please, as long as they let you pop a couple of ice cubes in your wine if it gets too warm.
Try: Isabel Estate Sauvignon Blanc, Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc.
4. The person who orders Barossa shiraz
Big, bold, salt of the earth. You believe good things come with time, and for you they always do. Your magnetic personality attracts great company and anyone caught in this web is better for knowing you. The Barossa shiraz drinker is best enjoyed with food. Lots of food.
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5. The person who orders white spirit premixes
If you only choose to drink white spirit ready-to-drinks, you are an agent of chaos (and some of my favourite people). You thrive in fast-paced environments and require your peers to keep up, lest they be left behind. You are creative, you are an extrovert, you are generous – but you also need self-care in the form of one weekend free from social events per month.
Try: Brookvale Union Vodka & Passionfruit, Vodka Cruiser Wild Raspberry
6. The person who orders a Piña Colada
Rum to try: Appleton Signature Blend, Mount Gay.
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7. The person who orders a Spicy Margarita
Although at first glance the Spicy Marg fan may seem to follow the latest trend, there is a wild streak to you, something dangerous, a little spicy, perhaps. You’re the first person to say ‘YES’ to any occasion (before you’ve even heard the question), the number-one ally in any group chat, everyone’s ride or die. You’re a risk taker, adventurer and you light up everyone's life.
Tequila to try: 1800 Blanco Tequila, Casamiga Blanco Tequila.
8. The person who orders a non-alc Spritz
Life is busy and so are you, but that is the last thing you want to be talking about. You’re usually a Spicy Margarita, or even a white spirit premix kinda person, but for now you’re a Non-alc Spritz. Always happy for a good chat, excited for a party and a dance, and even better if there’s food. Just make sure all this happens before 10pm when it’s time to drive home – big day tomorrow.
Non-alc alternatives to try: Four Pillars Rare Dry Bandwagon, Lyre’s Non-Alcoholic Dry London Spirit.
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Click image to shop
9. The person who orders a Vodka Martini (shaken, no garnish)
The final boss of signature drink orders and closely related to the ‘Australian lager’. You’re a no-nonsense kind of operator, and a Vodka Lime & Soda is just way too fussy. On a Saturday morning, there’s a 50/50 chance you’ll be found on a dancefloor or running a marathon – or both. High energy in the best way and a constant inspiration to those lucky enough to call you a friend (or serve you a drink).
Vodka to try: Tito’s Handmade Vodka, Archie Rose True Cut.
