Swap the caviar for lumpfish roe, and other hot tips in this guide to hosting a fancy feast for less.
Being a baller requires a little ingenuity in the era of inflation gone mad. Yeah, you probably need to tighten that belt a smidge, but that doesn’t mean you have to miss out. True ballers always find a way to let the boat out – even if that means swapping the superyacht for the dinghy.
What we’re getting at is that it’s time to skip the bougie restaurant booking and bring the balling home with a dinner party plan that’s sure to keep your head above water. We’re not talking about a slice of pizza and some garlic bread here, either. We’re talking about real baller stuff. Champagne, caviar, fancy steak: the works.
Read on to get our play-by-play guide to balling on a budget and start planning the ultimate dinner party. It’s got everything you need, from what to cook, how to serve it and, crucially, what to drink.
The snack: Poliakov vodka with lumpfish roe
The in-between: Louis Auger Champagne for mingling
The entree: Luxardo Amaro Abano with mortadella
- The main: Chris Ringland CR Shiraz with skirt steak
If American Psycho came out today, there’d be an entire chapter dedicated to the caviar bump and vodka chaser. In these roaring 20s, nothing says gourmet glamour quite like it. But what even is a caviar ‘bump’?
Put simply, it’s a spoonful of caviar sucked straight from the top of your hand. It’s how the experts eat the stuff; according to them, the warmth of your skin brings the caviar to an optimal temperature for better flavour and texture. Served alongside an ice-cold shot of vodka, this cheeky bump has taken the fine-dining world by storm in recent years. What better way to welcome your guests?
Now, before you flip out at the price of caviar (premium Iranian Beluga goes for around $10k per kilo!), let us introduce you to caviar’s less outrageous sibling – lumpfish roe. Don’t let the name fool you; this stuff bears an uncannily similar mouthfeel and texture. The intense fishy flavour is dialled down a touch, which some people actually prefer. And the best bit? You can get it for under a tenner at most supermarkets.
What about the vodka? Our pick is Poliakov. This French spirit won Gold at the International Wine & Spirit Competition in 2020, bringing a touch of top-shelf pedigree without the top-shelf price tag. The ritziest joints freeze the bottle into a block of ice for an added sense of ceremony. You can do the same with a wine bucket, some water and a deep freezer. Wrap the frozen block in a tea towel for pouring (a nice one, please), set it up alongside your caviar station, and treat your guests to the most baller welcoming out there.
With the bumps out of the way, it’s time for the most sacred of dinner party interludes – The Mingle. The Mingle is important for two reasons. It gives your guests a chance to catch up with one another and also gives you some breathing room to prepare for the next course.
Champagne is the breadwinner here. It’s something to be savoured and sipped slowly, giving everyone time to settle in and get comfortable. But you don’t have to blow your wad on it. This isn’t MTV’s Cribs, after all. The beauty of Champagne is that its production is so heavily regulated that to actually call it Champagne, producers must meet a very specific set of criteria. The upside to this is that it kind of levels the playing field, meaning you can serve your guests Champagne on a beer budget.
Louis Auger is about half the price of the big names, and with 92 points from Dan Murphy’s Wine Panel, it’s got some serious cred too. It has all those classic biscuity brioche notes, crisp apple and citrus flavours, and a soft, smooth texture – all for under $40! Whack a bottle in an ice bucket and let your guests serve themselves. You’ve got antipasti to plate up.
With the money you’ve saved, a fresh plate of oysters doesn’t sound like too much of a stretch anymore. Serve them au naturel in a bowl of ice with a few lemon wedges on the side. Easy as.
The pleasantries have been exchanged, and the whistles are appropriately whet – it’s finally time to gather around the table. Lure your guests over with a glamorous aperitivo-style spread. This en-vogue snacking style has clawed its way to the heights of haute cuisine in recent years, but what they don’t tell you is that you can do it yourself for a fraction of the price.
Classic cusina povera (‘kitchen of the poor’), mortadella is like devon, only better dressed and with tanned ankles on show. Way cheaper than fancy prosciutto or other salumi, mortadella makes for a cracking centrepiece to your aperitivo. Serve it alongside some green olives, sliced cherry tomatoes, a scoop of ricotta and maybe even some anchovies and a nice bit of bread – go as hard or as soft as you like! Drizzle olive oil over the lot with flaky salt for that elevated touch.
Apperitivo’s nothing without a good drink, and amari are at the top of the list. These herbal liqueurs are all the rage right now and make for an interesting, ultra-tasty, low-fuss drink option. They’re also not too pricey. We recommend a bottle of Luxardo Amaro Abano. Made with cardamom, cinnamon and orange peel, it packs plenty of flavour and goes a long way for the money. Serve it over ice with a simple citrus garnish, or dress it up with some soda water and a sprig of rosemary from the garden for a cinch-worthy spritz.
The main show. The big kahuna. The ultimate baller flex is the big, fancy steak. Now a good wagyu rib-eye or tomahawk can set you back hundreds, but with the proper intel, you can do a big, fancy steak for less than a bucket of chicken. We’re not even joking.
The trick is to go for a classic butcher’s cut. These are the lesser-known cuts that the butchers keep for themselves. They’re super cheap and can be just as delicious as the more expensive stuff when done right. Skip the supermarket, ask your local butcher if they have any skirt steak out the back, and watch their eyes light up.
Skirt steak comes from just the under rib, right between the brisket and the flank, and is famous for its excellent flavour and great value. It’s not as thick as its more affluent cousins, so cook it hot and fast for the best results. Slice it into long strips (always against the grain) and lay it into a lavish serving dish. Give it a generous dousing of chimichurri and a humble garden salad or some baked potatoes on the side.
A big, fancy steak needs a big, fancy wine. And the best fancy wine is Barossa shiraz; our top pick is Chris Ringland CR Shiraz. A bonafide Barossa legend, Chris Ringland’s wines can fetch upwards of $1000, but his entry-level releases forsake none of the quality or elegance of the top-shelf stuff. Winning Gold at the San Francisco International Wine Competition 2020 and Frankfurt International Wine Trophy 2020, this bold drop comes with serious baller credentials and pairs perfectly with your steak dinner. Pour it into a decanter for a luxe edge.
So, there you have it. Give your wallet an early mark and start planning your baller on a budget dinner party today.
